My unhealthy attachment to obedience.

and the pursuit of a higher law

I had an unhealthy attachment to obedience.

Obedience was a chain I wrapped around myself and attached its free end onto whatever was “good” in front of me. Whatever seemed to stand the tallest and proclaim the loudest that they had the answers.

Obedience was a flame I held any deviating and individual thought to until it disintegrated in front of me. Burnt offerings of barely glanced at parts of myself left on the altar of conformance.

Obedience was the name I gave to my self religious pat on the back that made me justified and deserving of what I wanted.

In my mind, being obedient meant that I was perfect. And if I was perfect, I was good. And if I was good, I could I be loved. And if I was all of these things and never anything less than exact, I would earn blessings. And if I could earn blessings, my life would work out.

Because wasn’t everything in the whole universe transactional and based on measuring up to the standards of some all knowing entity?

Obedience was an avoidance of the authenticity that risked contention and disagreement. I wasn’t choosing to be myself, and therefore spared from the opinions of my peers. To be judged and misunderstood by others while being obedient was okay, because I still knew I was following the rules given to me. I was rising above the human judgements. I was following something higher and holier and giving my power to someone else. The judgements would fall to them wouldn’t they? Aren’t I just the innocent and naive one trying to do the right thing?

It’s so easy to disconnect from yourself when you get to call it obedience.

I ran myself ragged carrying a chain of obedience around my neck. It felt like it had been dragging behind me for miles, and I couldn’t remember what I had last attached it to. I pulled and pulled on the loose end of the chain, watching it pool around my feet. When I got to the end of the chain, I found it was unattached.

When I asked myself “Who am I listening to? Who am I following?” My ego answered back, “WELL I DON’T KNOW JUST BE PERFECT. JUST OBEY.”

Obey who? For what?

I have removed the chain and left it to rust in the corner. Without its added weight I sometimes feel so light I might float away, but I never do. I’m still grounded.

I think there is a higher law to obedience. One that doesn’t require me to cut off parts of myself. One that instead of asking for a sacrifice, asked me to inhabit more of myself and pour into what I am aligned with. To find the true parts of myself and show them to the world so that they feel the magnetic pull towards its match.

I think the higher law might be devotion.

Devotion doesn’t feel like a chain. Devotion doesn’t feel afraid.

Devotion feels energizing and expansive. Devotion feels like abundance and like what ever I pour in gets magnified into something bigger than me. Devotion feels like the universe wants to give you more of what you love because it only job is to reflect that love back onto you.

Devotion is the spark that catches on and lights your way. Devotion is your most authentic and raw self expressed out loud in support of something more. Devotion is purpose and intention. I want to be devoted.